Struggling with the past.

It happens when I’m in bed, it’s late, the mattress slips away and suddenly I’m falling. It’s not normal, gravity doesn’t act the same way, I’m suspended by resistance as if held there, yet descending towards an almighty abyss.

Parts of my life loom below to be observed and reflected while falling, further, further into the spreading darkness. I’m forced to relive these moments, falling through the branches of the tree that is memory. Branches of events growing into consequences and ending in colourful finale as they flutter and detach into chilling emptiness.

In rehashing these moments I can interact with the version of myself unaware of the future. Shake the naivety out, quash it. I find myself changing, aware of what I was, what I can be, and I realise all of these windows into my past have to happen the way they do, if not I wouldn’t be the same person I am now. Right now, in this moment, I live these over and over again like a bird taking flight only in accepting they will eventually have to land again.

Just a bit of creative rambling this time, hope you enjoyed it. Just splashing little snippets of writing here and there to see what I can do so let me know what you think! This is just what stuck out.

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One comment

  1. I gather that you are quite young. And because of this, holding on to the past could be one of the ways you attempt to sort out its events…in order to lead you to the person you are now.

    Take an interest in what your lecturers specialise in other than their given subject. One of my lecturers had a firm interest in Chinese / Tibetan philosophy. Due to this I would pester him with questions via email concerning how one lets go of the past. And such.

    That was my first step in trying to let go.

    I say this because you too can also look forward to the future. All those books for you to discover more. And adults that you can speak to as an adult, but aspire to be.

    Unless you get a certain Film Lecturer I once met. Whose eyes skittered, whose manic behaviour could be the death of us all and every so often her personal experiences would float to the surface, causing heavy breathing and a question over her own emotions.

    Struggle with the past as you might. Struggle with the present and you’ll impress even yourself.

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