Losing my glasses.

My sight became an issue a few years ago, suddenly I became aware of the fact I had to squint to see anything that wasn’t directly in front of me. This then became annoying to the point of seeing an optician and so on and so forth. Since then I’ve had glasses which do their job, can’t argue with that.

What’s annoying about glasses, though, is that they go walkabout sometimes and leave me stumbling around trying to find them. They do this on purpose, they play the most cruel game of hide and seek. They know I can’t see, so how am I supposed to find them if I can’t see them?! Setting me up for failure from the start.

I don’t like short-sightedness, it leaves me feeling vulnerable or somehow of less value than people who can see normally. Sometimes people instantly turn off on someone as soon as they don their spectacles and this is why I go without sometimes. I personally think I look better without them, and after long periods of time without them they give me headaches from straining to see so it’s a losing battle.

When I’m stumbling around, trying to find them I can’t help but think this is life taunting me. This is a physical representation of what goes on in my head every single day.

I’m an over-thinker, I always have been and right now I can’t see that changing without some severe mental-reconstruction, if that’s even possible. I’ll stumble around in the dark and construct scenarios with only the tiniest shred of evidence to go on and I’ll end up in an elaborate world of a million possibilities, all worse than the one before.

I’ll play out future conversations, interactions, arguments, failures, uneasy situations over and over again to exhaustion with no real conclusion other than:

I’m blind.

No one can see the future. No one can precisely pinpoint exactly what’s going to happen in any given situation, this is the blindness that frustrates me most, and losing my glasses plunges me into this turmoil every single time.

When I lose my glasses I realise how futile it is to worry, how pointless it is to squint to try and catch a glimpse of details just out of my reach. Eventually they’ll come into focus and everything will play out when it’s meant to.

I think it’s going to be my life’s struggle to battle with the fact I’ll never quite find my glasses in that respect, I’ll always feel that little bit more vulnerable because inside this head of mine there are a million and one of me finding new ways to screw up before I even get the chance to.

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