Seriously? On the subway?

Seriously? On the subway? Part 3.

I thought long and hard about what I was going to put in this next subway post, truth is not a lot has happened since my last one. I was worried it’d go too long and I’d have to just stop altogether.

Then today happened. Let’s just say it hasn’t been a great day. I think I’ve learnt that entering something in a rush is always a bad idea and the subway is no different. So, I was in a rush and of course the first thing to stop someone hastening to the train is the barriers. Of course they didn’t open, and of course the screen said “insufficient balance” which meant I then had to fork out this months FIFTY POUNDS (always a sore topic) to renew my 28 day balance.

So, drama over, I can just ride the train to Hillhead, trot on into Uni and get on with my day. But of course if only it were that pain-free, life had a few more tricks in store.

Sitting across from me was a girl with a big red sports bag, eventually clocking it as a Lancaster University bag I got quite excited. Some great friends of mine happen to go there and it was my first choice for University back in the day, alas. Anyway, I decided it would be funny if I took a picture, sent it to them and have a nice jolly giggle about old times. So, as one does, I opened up the camera app, hit the button and…


She noticed. I died several deaths of embarrassment and then had to partake in a massive charade in which I turned the flash on and off to pretend it was still working to try and stave her off the idea that I was in fact taking a picture of her. Obviously once her suspicions were set aside I then turned the flash OFF and took the picture, after all that it would’ve been a damn waste of energy not to emerge with my “spotted” picture.

So, embarrassment quota for the day well and truly fulfilled after crashing into a closed barrier and flashing some poor girl, I was pretty much ready to write today off altogether. I probably should have too, because the ordeal still hadn’t finished.

I always take the stairs pretty fast, I just think why waste time on the most arduous part of travel: going up. So I hit the escalator at speed and begin to climb, still walking as they accelerate me to the top of the station. Just as the steps levelled out into the flat part my foot catches on the last one and I sprawl spectacularly over the flatter end of the escalator.

I think when falling we all picture a very graceful descent towards a soft landing, one which the surrounding onlookers all admire and reflect on how a being of such grace can be so effortlessly fabulous. This is never the case. Especially when the surface you hit is still moving and you feel yourself teetering dangerously close to another quick descent, one which could most likely kill you.  The only thing I could do was throw myself onto stable unmoving ground, scoop up my belongings and limp my now well-defeated dignity out of the station.

I hate days like this.


Seriously? On the subway? Part 2.

After quite a considerable length of time where nothing happened at all I found myself leaving the subway a few days ago in stitches. I was worried the subway had dried up of hilarity, I was so wrong.

First up there was a girl eating this big chocolate thing. Don’t ask me what it was because I honestly don’t know, it was big and round, just generally chocolate heaven. Anyways, she was munching away on this big circle of chocolate and I was getting increasingly jealous to the point of planning an impromptu trip to Gregg’s, when she screwed her face up all of a sudden. Now, I certainly wasn’t expecting this, and I had my earphones in so without any added sound to help the image this was quite funny.

Then she sneezed. Visible snot, everywhere.

I mean this lassie covered herself and her chocolate thing, extinguishing all feelings of chocolate envy and appetite in an explosion of mucus. Imagine seeing that happen right in front of you and then watching this girl stare at the very thing she was loving so much, now in absolute disgust. It couldn’t have been funnier, it would’ve been physically impossible, it was perfect.

On the same train journey another girl made a fool of herself. We were pulling up to Hillhead station, everyone was preparing to disembark in the usual disgruntled shuffle  and this girl stands up preemptively. This in itself wasn’t funny, then the train chugged and she was thrown face first into one of the poles you hold to steady yourself.

It was another brilliant moment, by now the snot girl had mopped herself up and had left a stop or two previous, I’d barely recovered in time for this new point of hilarity.

She hit it cheek first and contorted her face in spectacular fashion. Her hair was loose too so there was a fantastic flare going on there too, it went everywhere. I left the station looking like I’d just been shot in the gut, with a bullet made of pure laughs, obviously.

Last example of stupidity for this post was a weird one, whereas the other two were body related malfunctions, this guy was purposefully being weird, rude and just generally a “how did you get out of your enclosure?” kind of a man (to put it bluntly).

Basically, we’ve all seen a train pull up to a platform, it approaches while slowing down and those on the platform get a better gauge of where the doors are going to stop, thus aiding getting onto the train. This lug thinks it’s completely acceptable to stand at the very edge of the platform where the train comes from, claim a door, and drag his wife halfway down the entire length of it so he can be the first to grace it’s welcome.

And that’s not a word of exaggeration, if anything I’m dulling it down.

He held his arms out wide and cordoned off the door and at least two feet around it by pushing people back out of the way. His poor wife, though, she was the one I really felt sorry for. He ushered her in, more like pushed, after the train had stopped and she looked as unamused as the rest of us. I think it’s always great when things happen like that and you can turn to any number of random strangers and share in a look of “what did we just see?!”

So there we have it, part 2 of shenanigans on the subway. Let me know what you think and I’ll be sure to let you know what happens next!

Seriously? On the subway?

We all witness people doing weird things day to day, most of the time we just wave it off and carry on but, being me, I have to document them. People are entertaining though, you have to admit.

A few weeks ago an elderly party of two men and one woman were at the window buying tickets and the eldest of the three, one of the men, was making quite a fuss. Being in a rush I did what we all do and shuffled on my way but I picked up some complaints going past about the quality of the subway and how efficient it was etc etc. Sometimes the elderly need a refresher, automated ticketing systems are a good thing, this man wasn’t buying it. Just as the man was handed his own ticket, the other elderly man mutters “now, we need two of the same…for us.” and all I could think was: ‘I hope the other two don’t come with added ear-ache.’

It was just my luck that the three of them plodded down the stationary escalator to my side of the platform. After some more unnecessary blethering the eldest clomped his way back up (I assumed to complain some more, no doubt he did on his way). His company soon followed suit and they emerged on the other side of the platform for the other train, missing not only the train on the platform they were originally on, but one for the platform they’d just graced with their presence. The look on his face made my day, it really did. Some people have misfortune coming to them when they treat people with such disregard as he did.

Another more amusing observation from my adventures underground was short and sweet. It was raining above ground, the only thing worse than a subway train full of people is a subway train full of damp people. Anyways, a woman had just crashed onto the platform after flying down the escalator and she was struggling to close her umbrella. In the rush to throw herself into a train she gave up, to her dignity’s peril. The umbrella popped open, throwing the glasses off her face and backwards away from the train altogether. I did feel sorry for this woman but I giggled the whole way to University. It was one of those things you see and has you ricocheting into laughter all day long.

Worst death of dignity witnessed on the subway (so far) I sadly experienced myself. I don’t think I’ve been more embarrassed, ever. Probably an exaggeration but you’ll see why.

I was sitting beside a guy, easily twice my size (I’m not particularly well built, this guy was biiiig). He got up to leave and his keys fell out of his coat. Being the kind soul that I am I reached for the keys and went to indicate to the man that he had dropped them. Unfortunately I just flung out a hand and, without looking, grabbed the first thing that came into contact with it.

His backside.

I just…I don’t even know what one can do in that situation, I flung the keys in his direction in a distracting ‘I actually helped you, please excuse the bum-grab’ manner and got back to reading a book on my phone without acknowledging any kind of thanks (…or more likely horror) from his direction. Never have I been so glad to emerge from a subway train, trailing my dignity behind me in tatters.

The subway can be an altogether stressful experience for all involved. All it takes is a bad day; it’s either your best friend or your worst enemy. Only way to find out is to descend those steps and hope for the best.