humiliating

Seriously? On the subway? Part 2.

After quite a considerable length of time where nothing happened at all I found myself leaving the subway a few days ago in stitches. I was worried the subway had dried up of hilarity, I was so wrong.

First up there was a girl eating this big chocolate thing. Don’t ask me what it was because I honestly don’t know, it was big and round, just generally chocolate heaven. Anyways, she was munching away on this big circle of chocolate and I was getting increasingly jealous to the point of planning an impromptu trip to Gregg’s, when she screwed her face up all of a sudden. Now, I certainly wasn’t expecting this, and I had my earphones in so without any added sound to help the image this was quite funny.

Then she sneezed. Visible snot, everywhere.

I mean this lassie covered herself and her chocolate thing, extinguishing all feelings of chocolate envy and appetite in an explosion of mucus. Imagine seeing that happen right in front of you and then watching this girl stare at the very thing she was loving so much, now in absolute disgust. It couldn’t have been funnier, it would’ve been physically impossible, it was perfect.

On the same train journey another girl made a fool of herself. We were pulling up to Hillhead station, everyone was preparing to disembark in the usual disgruntled shuffle  and this girl stands up preemptively. This in itself wasn’t funny, then the train chugged and she was thrown face first into one of the poles you hold to steady yourself.

It was another brilliant moment, by now the snot girl had mopped herself up and had left a stop or two previous, I’d barely recovered in time for this new point of hilarity.

She hit it cheek first and contorted her face in spectacular fashion. Her hair was loose too so there was a fantastic flare going on there too, it went everywhere. I left the station looking like I’d just been shot in the gut, with a bullet made of pure laughs, obviously.

Last example of stupidity for this post was a weird one, whereas the other two were body related malfunctions, this guy was purposefully being weird, rude and just generally a “how did you get out of your enclosure?” kind of a man (to put it bluntly).

Basically, we’ve all seen a train pull up to a platform, it approaches while slowing down and those on the platform get a better gauge of where the doors are going to stop, thus aiding getting onto the train. This lug thinks it’s completely acceptable to stand at the very edge of the platform where the train comes from, claim a door, and drag his wife halfway down the entire length of it so he can be the first to grace it’s welcome.

And that’s not a word of exaggeration, if anything I’m dulling it down.

He held his arms out wide and cordoned off the door and at least two feet around it by pushing people back out of the way. His poor wife, though, she was the one I really felt sorry for. He ushered her in, more like pushed, after the train had stopped and she looked as unamused as the rest of us. I think it’s always great when things happen like that and you can turn to any number of random strangers and share in a look of “what did we just see?!”

So there we have it, part 2 of shenanigans on the subway. Let me know what you think and I’ll be sure to let you know what happens next!

Did you really just…? Lectures, part 2.

So already we’ve had people painting their nails and making rather choice interjections…ahem. Moving on from that, since then there have been a number of questionable activities going on in lectures that I just have to highlight for you kind reader folk!

First up happened a few weeks ago, well, it’s ongoing really. I’m prone to a bit of ‘multitasking’, (you could call it that) or getting distracted…as most would probably call it. So, naturally, while typing away I might just open up Facebook or WordPress to see how the world is getting on and of course I’ll open up a video or two; just the usual stuff: cats squeezing into boxes far too small, large people falling over. It was only recently I realised at the end of a psychology lecture that the entire four rows behind me, all female, had completely switched off on the lecture and were solely focused on joining me in watching a baby eat it’s way out of a watermelon. Cutest thing ever, but I had no idea I had an audience! It was so amusing to turn around and see four rows of “awwh”-stricken faces!

Next peculiarity happened this week. I’d perched myself high up, near the back of a lecture hall so as to avoid awkward lecturer-student eye contact. My friends noticed it before I did, the entire row was shaking in a back and forth motion. It got so bad to the point that you couldn’t write in a straight line. Eventually we singled out one fellow sitting in the row in front that had the same rhythm as our row. His arm was under the desk, all I’m saying.

Ok, he was clearly jittering his leg, but it wasn’t immediately obvious! And yes, I know what you were thinking, reader…and you should be ashamed of yourself!

(We were all thinking it, don’t worry).

Anyway, in the same lecture (once the guy in front got tired) we turned to our right and our eyes fell on a girl, in the middle of the hall, shamelessly KNITTING. Full on killer knitting needles and a big ball of wool just click clacking away! I’d quite happily put that in the bizarre category alongside the lass that likes to paint her nails. What goes through someone’s head to make them think:

Oh, do you know what would be an effective use of my time, now? Catching up on my knitting, winter’s coming after all.

I must say, these quirky folk do make lectures interesting. I certainly have my eyes peeled for more shenanigans going on, leave a comment down below if you’ve ever seen someone doing something that was just plain weird in a rather formal setting. Thanks again for reading!

Did you really just…? Lectures.

I see some ridiculous things day-to-day, but sometimes people really take the biscuit. Lecture theatres are a perfect example of an isolated situation in which I can relate with everyone around me when someone does something stupid. Here are just a few examples:

I was in an English Literature lecture and I started to think I could smell nail polish; knowing this was the last place I’d smell it I waved it off as one of those random smells you just can’t quite place. Then I looked down to the row in front of me and sure enough, to the right, a girl was sitting painting her nails a metallic purple for the entire hall to witness and whiff. The smell was pungent to say the least but the very fact she thought this was, not even just appropriate, but productive to her own studies was hilarious to myself and my peers around me. When she’d finished coating herself in this noxious liquid, she realised she couldn’t type or touch the screen on her relatively new laptop. So she sat and flailed while she missed the best chunk of the lecture. I personally had to hold my nose, not from the smell, just to stop myself from chuckling at her misfortune.

It’s always tense when someone leaves early during a lecture. I’ve never had to, so far, thankfully; but for the people who have to regularly really don’t make it easy for themselves. There was a girl in an English Language lecture that plonked herself down  right in the middle of a row with no easy way to leave early. Generally, I assume, people leave five minutes early to go to another lecture across campus that starts when the current one ends and so they need travel time but help yourself out, people. If you know you have to leave, sit at the end of a row near the door. This girl made the entire row stand up so she could squeeze past with her unnecessarily large bag, so unnecessary for everyone involved. I know that I, with my ounce of humility, would’ve sat through it and just embraced being late to the next lecture; rather than cause that ruckus.

The worst example of someone being absolutely stupid in a lecture so far is, sadly, a result of my own actions. I was in an English Language lecture, we were parsing a sentence (basically, splitting it into nouns, verbs, adjectives, phrases, clauses etc) and the example sentence was: “Tom’s chair broke because he sat on it” or something to that extent. The lecturer was analysing what that sentence was made up of and what it needed to make it a certain type of clause/phrase collective and he said: “So, Tom is a noun and he’s speaking about his chair which is also a noun but what does Tom need to make this a sentence?”

To that I answered (out loud I might add), in front of 150+ people: “a better chair.”

It was one of those horrid moments when you think ‘did I just say that out loud?’ I wanted to curl up into a ball and only emerge when people had long forgotten this cringe-worthy moment. There was a deafening silence for about five seconds, which felt like forever, and the lecturer replied “…yes, that’s a pragmatic approach but I was looking for a verb.” He was a decent guy and ran with it but I felt so idiotic. Shut up next time, Jonathon; keep your thoughts to yourself!