Humor

Seriously? On the subway? Part 2.

After quite a considerable length of time where nothing happened at all I found myself leaving the subway a few days ago in stitches. I was worried the subway had dried up of hilarity, I was so wrong.

First up there was a girl eating this big chocolate thing. Don’t ask me what it was because I honestly don’t know, it was big and round, just generally chocolate heaven. Anyways, she was munching away on this big circle of chocolate and I was getting increasingly jealous to the point of planning an impromptu trip to Gregg’s, when she screwed her face up all of a sudden. Now, I certainly wasn’t expecting this, and I had my earphones in so without any added sound to help the image this was quite funny.

Then she sneezed. Visible snot, everywhere.

I mean this lassie covered herself and her chocolate thing, extinguishing all feelings of chocolate envy and appetite in an explosion of mucus. Imagine seeing that happen right in front of you and then watching this girl stare at the very thing she was loving so much, now in absolute disgust. It couldn’t have been funnier, it would’ve been physically impossible, it was perfect.

On the same train journey another girl made a fool of herself. We were pulling up to Hillhead station, everyone was preparing to disembark in the usual disgruntled shuffle  and this girl stands up preemptively. This in itself wasn’t funny, then the train chugged and she was thrown face first into one of the poles you hold to steady yourself.

It was another brilliant moment, by now the snot girl had mopped herself up and had left a stop or two previous, I’d barely recovered in time for this new point of hilarity.

She hit it cheek first and contorted her face in spectacular fashion. Her hair was loose too so there was a fantastic flare going on there too, it went everywhere. I left the station looking like I’d just been shot in the gut, with a bullet made of pure laughs, obviously.

Last example of stupidity for this post was a weird one, whereas the other two were body related malfunctions, this guy was purposefully being weird, rude and just generally a “how did you get out of your enclosure?” kind of a man (to put it bluntly).

Basically, we’ve all seen a train pull up to a platform, it approaches while slowing down and those on the platform get a better gauge of where the doors are going to stop, thus aiding getting onto the train. This lug thinks it’s completely acceptable to stand at the very edge of the platform where the train comes from, claim a door, and drag his wife halfway down the entire length of it so he can be the first to grace it’s welcome.

And that’s not a word of exaggeration, if anything I’m dulling it down.

He held his arms out wide and cordoned off the door and at least two feet around it by pushing people back out of the way. His poor wife, though, she was the one I really felt sorry for. He ushered her in, more like pushed, after the train had stopped and she looked as unamused as the rest of us. I think it’s always great when things happen like that and you can turn to any number of random strangers and share in a look of “what did we just see?!”

So there we have it, part 2 of shenanigans on the subway. Let me know what you think and I’ll be sure to let you know what happens next!

Did you really just…? Student canteen.

So there’s a student canteen near my lecture halls, it’s becoming quite a crutch to the success of a day. If I don’t get my cup of tea between lectures I’ll fall asleep, period. I’ll just konk out mid-sentence and my nose will press the ‘g’ key and fill the page with a billion of them.

Anyway, the stuff I see my fellow students getting up to. Some of it I even find it hard to believe…and I’m sitting watching it!

Like this one girl, she was on the phone to a friend of hers explaining why she didn’t go out the night before and this is how it went:

so yeah I didn’t go out last night because my friend, well, her friend died. Yeah, she was our age. Basically, she got hit by a lorry. I know, right? Anyway, so that’s why I didn’t go out because my friend wanted to stay in. So I had to stay with her…I know. So annoying.

I was stunned. I was listening in on this in absolute awe at how completely ridiculous this girl was being. At the same time though it was absolutely hilarious, you couldn’t make it up.

Then just as she finished, a guy sat down at the same table as me but on the opposite side and opens a rather large Tupperware box. Inside this box was a chicken, this guy just whaps out this full chicken and starts demolishing it. This chicken was getting destroyed, completely annihilated. Just…what can I say? I think I have to just leave that one there. Massive chicken, devouring, end.

Another thing I see LOADS of people doing and not just in the canteen but mainly for a toilet trip; people leave their stuff wherever they were sitting and dander off to the loo for five to ten minutes. This leaves their laptop, phone, bag, coat, all the things, just lying there for anyone to take.

Just, WHY?!

This isn’t even being trusting, this is being stupid. Just stupid, I should be obligated to take that girl’s belongings simply because she leaves them there for the world to pinch. Stupid. I don’t understand how anyone can leave a laptop of any kind just lying on a table in a canteen full of strangers who could all benefit from the additional infusion of cash they’d get from trading that in to a pawn shop.

So, in closing (for now), rude girls, monstrous men and stupid people. The student canteen. I thank you.

Did you really just…? Lectures, part 2.

So already we’ve had people painting their nails and making rather choice interjections…ahem. Moving on from that, since then there have been a number of questionable activities going on in lectures that I just have to highlight for you kind reader folk!

First up happened a few weeks ago, well, it’s ongoing really. I’m prone to a bit of ‘multitasking’, (you could call it that) or getting distracted…as most would probably call it. So, naturally, while typing away I might just open up Facebook or WordPress to see how the world is getting on and of course I’ll open up a video or two; just the usual stuff: cats squeezing into boxes far too small, large people falling over. It was only recently I realised at the end of a psychology lecture that the entire four rows behind me, all female, had completely switched off on the lecture and were solely focused on joining me in watching a baby eat it’s way out of a watermelon. Cutest thing ever, but I had no idea I had an audience! It was so amusing to turn around and see four rows of “awwh”-stricken faces!

Next peculiarity happened this week. I’d perched myself high up, near the back of a lecture hall so as to avoid awkward lecturer-student eye contact. My friends noticed it before I did, the entire row was shaking in a back and forth motion. It got so bad to the point that you couldn’t write in a straight line. Eventually we singled out one fellow sitting in the row in front that had the same rhythm as our row. His arm was under the desk, all I’m saying.

Ok, he was clearly jittering his leg, but it wasn’t immediately obvious! And yes, I know what you were thinking, reader…and you should be ashamed of yourself!

(We were all thinking it, don’t worry).

Anyway, in the same lecture (once the guy in front got tired) we turned to our right and our eyes fell on a girl, in the middle of the hall, shamelessly KNITTING. Full on killer knitting needles and a big ball of wool just click clacking away! I’d quite happily put that in the bizarre category alongside the lass that likes to paint her nails. What goes through someone’s head to make them think:

Oh, do you know what would be an effective use of my time, now? Catching up on my knitting, winter’s coming after all.

I must say, these quirky folk do make lectures interesting. I certainly have my eyes peeled for more shenanigans going on, leave a comment down below if you’ve ever seen someone doing something that was just plain weird in a rather formal setting. Thanks again for reading!

Did you really just…? Lectures.

I see some ridiculous things day-to-day, but sometimes people really take the biscuit. Lecture theatres are a perfect example of an isolated situation in which I can relate with everyone around me when someone does something stupid. Here are just a few examples:

I was in an English Literature lecture and I started to think I could smell nail polish; knowing this was the last place I’d smell it I waved it off as one of those random smells you just can’t quite place. Then I looked down to the row in front of me and sure enough, to the right, a girl was sitting painting her nails a metallic purple for the entire hall to witness and whiff. The smell was pungent to say the least but the very fact she thought this was, not even just appropriate, but productive to her own studies was hilarious to myself and my peers around me. When she’d finished coating herself in this noxious liquid, she realised she couldn’t type or touch the screen on her relatively new laptop. So she sat and flailed while she missed the best chunk of the lecture. I personally had to hold my nose, not from the smell, just to stop myself from chuckling at her misfortune.

It’s always tense when someone leaves early during a lecture. I’ve never had to, so far, thankfully; but for the people who have to regularly really don’t make it easy for themselves. There was a girl in an English Language lecture that plonked herself down  right in the middle of a row with no easy way to leave early. Generally, I assume, people leave five minutes early to go to another lecture across campus that starts when the current one ends and so they need travel time but help yourself out, people. If you know you have to leave, sit at the end of a row near the door. This girl made the entire row stand up so she could squeeze past with her unnecessarily large bag, so unnecessary for everyone involved. I know that I, with my ounce of humility, would’ve sat through it and just embraced being late to the next lecture; rather than cause that ruckus.

The worst example of someone being absolutely stupid in a lecture so far is, sadly, a result of my own actions. I was in an English Language lecture, we were parsing a sentence (basically, splitting it into nouns, verbs, adjectives, phrases, clauses etc) and the example sentence was: “Tom’s chair broke because he sat on it” or something to that extent. The lecturer was analysing what that sentence was made up of and what it needed to make it a certain type of clause/phrase collective and he said: “So, Tom is a noun and he’s speaking about his chair which is also a noun but what does Tom need to make this a sentence?”

To that I answered (out loud I might add), in front of 150+ people: “a better chair.”

It was one of those horrid moments when you think ‘did I just say that out loud?’ I wanted to curl up into a ball and only emerge when people had long forgotten this cringe-worthy moment. There was a deafening silence for about five seconds, which felt like forever, and the lecturer replied “…yes, that’s a pragmatic approach but I was looking for a verb.” He was a decent guy and ran with it but I felt so idiotic. Shut up next time, Jonathon; keep your thoughts to yourself!

An arts course…what are you going to do with that?

I’m guessing the majority of arts students dread the question “What exactly are you going to do with your chosen subject?” and I can confidently say I am part of that majority. This is when the verbal waffle-irons heat up and I talk my way out of a rather awkward situation.

Well, actually, you see, there are many career paths I can progress towards when I finish my four years of study. Such as, you ask? Well…

Jobs are hard to come by, I do understand, the economy isn’t in great shape. However, I still think arts related careers are as pertinent, if not more so, than they’ve ever been. In the past few years I’ve gotten to know several people who are successful in what they do creatively, they’re an inspiration, to be truthful. To see someone making money from genuine hard work is rather refreshing after hearing about yet another banker’s spending scandal.

I have plenty of ideas of what to do when I finish University, as many of us students do. Blogging for example, I’ve toyed with the idea of making money from blogging for years, partly why I’ve started again. That doesn’t mean it has to happen, but writing something is always motivational towards the end goal of somehow making money from the words I tie together.

The current goal, is to get published in print. Be it for a newspaper, a magazine, or a fully fledged novel in the future. I want to be able to hold my own work in my hands having had it approved and sent off by someone else who is willing to stand by it. Reading just makes me want this more, to think every novel or magazine I hold is a perfect testimony to the fact that it happens, people get published every day and millions of books are put into print. If their dreams can come true, why not mine?

I was in a lecture a few weeks ago and the man speaking was analysing a poem (a rather beautiful poem at that) to eventually reveal he was the poet behind it. We see careers possible from an arts degree every day, I think we don’t realise until it’s pointed out exactly where the work is. Even the most simple of things like an advertisement on the side of a bus, someone had to come up with whatever words are strewn across it, meaning someone got paid for that.

So when someone asks me “what are you going to do with that?” in that snarky ‘I’ll have fries with that‘ tone, it’s so obvious to me what I want to say…the words just aren’t there due to surprise that it isn’t obvious to everyone else.

A month of the rest of my life.

I began this blog a few weeks ago, I’d played with the idea of blogging for years and after pursuing many attempts at something solid I couldn’t hold it for any longer than a year. While it was quite successful, I deleted it all. Then I thought long and hard about the title of this blog: The Next Chapter.

I have spent so much of my life worrying about the past and it’s consequences over what might happen in the future that I haven’t been able to enjoy it like I should have. Looking back, that just wasn’t right, nobody should live that way. This is why the title is relevant. I’ve moved to an entirely new country for University, I’ve left my old life and it’s baggage behind and now I’m starting over again. This is the next chapter of my life, and hopefully I go on to live many of them, each more exciting than the one before.

That’s not to say I’ve forgotten what I’ve lived through so far, while I may not be willing to remember certain things there are so many I could ponder on for days, so many amazing experiences and conversations with people from home that I am never going to forget.

It’s so weird to think I’ve been living on my own, away from home, for an entire month now. University was always an idea, a thought, never a reality; now I’m coming to terms with the fact that time is flying and I’m more independent than I ever have been.

That doesn’t mean it’s been completely perfect, oh no no, far from it. From stumbling into lecture halls 20 minutes late to spectacularly sprawling over the subway platform, it’s all already happened and I’m sure I’ll write about those unfortunate events in posts to come.

The wonderful thing about living independently is you get to learn a whole new side to yourself you may not have known. Turns out I can be quite motivated when I want to be, like right now for example; I’ve wanted to post this for a whole month and here I am blasting it out in one fell swoop. I’ve also learnt that I cannot cook, (I’ll be honest and say I always knew that…really) but from that I’ve learnt it doesn’t mean I can’t make do. I’ve known I’m a resourceful person but it’s always been from an academic perspective; I work well under pressure, deadlines and so on, but this time the focus has shifted slightly to include domestic responsibilities. The emphasis is now on what I’m spending daily or what’s for dinner rather than what I’m going to say for third period English Literature in school the next day.

I have heard countless people say that University is just as much about the experience as it is about the education and at this point in my life I think I needed that change. I have time to focus on hobbies such as this blog for example (that I hope I can continue to find time for as University life progresses). I have time to go out there and find new friends, new relationships, a new life entirely.

This is The Next Chapter, and I’ll be damned if it’s not going to be anything but spectacular.

Introduction.

Greetings! Welcome to my blog, the one that’s staying this time.

My name is Jonny, I’ve just moved to Glasgow to study English Literature for four years and so I thought this would blog would be a good place for all the ideas and ramblings swirling around in my head that can’t get out otherwise.

Hopefully I can manage to get a running commentary going on some funny stories as they happen here, I’m sure being a student will bring with it many a tale to tell.

For so long I felt I was trapped at home, nowhere new to go, no one new to meet; and now I’ve been thrown in at the deep end with a completely clean slate in an entirely new environment. I lived in a relatively quiet town with not much going on, ever, in fact it could be said it’s dying out as society moves on without it. Now I’m in a massive city (in comparison) and it’s a completely different way of life.

I hope to talk more about city life, how and why it’s such a big change to the quiet surroundings I was used to at home. University living should be a big topic of my musings and then other than that just a lot of randomness.

So, onwards with my life. Hopefully this blog will be something I feel I can continue for the next few years as I live out the next chapter of my life and progress on to bigger and better things.