Thought

Reflection.

I look into the full length mirror, looking completely crestfallen and exhausted I study myself. Hair hanging over my face as if the life had poured out the ends, eyes flickering between hopeful and defeated, I thought whether or not I could face another day. This thought warmed me inside to know that this day, thankfully, was over. I begin to remember the headache which haunted me earlier only to realise it never actually left. Now with a thumping head and steadily weakening legs I turn around only to be met with the impossible.

My reflection.

Clothes torn and tattered, leaning to the left suggesting the right has been injured and panting as if he’d ran for an extensive amount of time. There he was, standing there, staring at me as I was to him but with a fire in his eyes that mocked my own defeated hue. He wasn’t finished.

“You…did this. To me, to us.”

And in that moment I realised this day was far from over.

There’s another snippet I felt I was ready to publish here, let me know what you think. This and anything else similar are simply ideas for now, I enjoy playing with certain images in my head, enjoy!

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Struggling with the past.

It happens when I’m in bed, it’s late, the mattress slips away and suddenly I’m falling. It’s not normal, gravity doesn’t act the same way, I’m suspended by resistance as if held there, yet descending towards an almighty abyss.

Parts of my life loom below to be observed and reflected while falling, further, further into the spreading darkness. I’m forced to relive these moments, falling through the branches of the tree that is memory. Branches of events growing into consequences and ending in colourful finale as they flutter and detach into chilling emptiness.

In rehashing these moments I can interact with the version of myself unaware of the future. Shake the naivety out, quash it. I find myself changing, aware of what I was, what I can be, and I realise all of these windows into my past have to happen the way they do, if not I wouldn’t be the same person I am now. Right now, in this moment, I live these over and over again like a bird taking flight only in accepting they will eventually have to land again.

Just a bit of creative rambling this time, hope you enjoyed it. Just splashing little snippets of writing here and there to see what I can do so let me know what you think! This is just what stuck out.

Karma. Does it really work like that?

Lately I’ve been thinking…how does this idea of balance in the world operate? Personally, I think we’ve all got a team of people following us around in lab coats, shuffling wherever we go just out of sight making judgements to go into the karmasphere to aid our judgement.

That’s one theory, alternatively we could all just have one very skilled karmassassin ready to shoot us down when we do something horrid during our day to day business.

But is that how it works, really? Does it operate on the basis of our actions and the balance of good actions versus the bad actions? I wonder if it just works on a more general scale, if we have a good day then that has to be counteracted by a bad one, perhaps?

I thought this today after one of those really deep moments when I was just about to doze off to sleep and my brain suddenly kick started into overthinking the universe and all it’s inner workings.

Before University I felt like I was being punished. Not every day, just most days. But I did consider it every day, why am I feeling the way I do? Why is my current state of mind so poor and beaten that I feel this is deserved? I’d think at length what I’ve done over the years to need punishment and (while it didn’t come up dry) I thought if anything it should be the other way around. I’ve helped plenty of people, I’ve been polite, tried my best, really I should be riding high.

Then I came to University.

That was when my idea of karma changed, now I sit in the evenings and wonder maybe the balance thing isn’t on deeds but on life in general. Lately I’ve had such a good run, I can’t say I’ve had a genuinely bad day since I got here.

Maybe one good day deserves a bad one. Maybe that’s what drives our karmassassins to do what they do, that’s what gives them their kicks: planning what weird and wonderful surprise is around the corner and then counteracting that surprise with something else going horribly wrong. And it could be that it’s not righted immediately, sometimes it gets saved in a karmabank to draw from later. (It might explain why some people fall down several flights of stairs, or win the lottery)

I’ll give you an example. Today, some of my family came to visit me from Northern Ireland to see how I was getting on and we had a lovely time, they told me all the gossip about what’s been going on at home and I showed them where I’ve been living and the city centre. After they left to go home I came back to mine and spilt a mug of tea over my laptop’s keyboard. I’ve never thought:

my life is over my life is over my life is over my life is over…

quite so many times in every millisecond, over the course of about 10 minutes in my entire life.

Thankfully for now it’s operational and I’ve got an appointment for an inspection and damage control, my baby will live through this. But it made me wonder: for something so fulfilling like seeing my family do I deserve an infliction of stress or anxiety? It felt like a perfectly balanced day, the good completely weighed up against the bad in perfect harmony.

Do we all have something around the corner for us to restore balance?

Obviously there’s no point in trying to combat that, if that’s how karma works and if that’s really how our lives operate then it’s out of our hands, nobody can control what happens a week from now. As much as we all wish we could tell people what we’re doing in a month’s time there’s no telling what might happen between now and then.

Just a random post there to ask a few questions, let me know what you think and if you liked the idea pass it on through the various social networks below! Thanks for reading!

 

Did you really just…? Lectures.

I see some ridiculous things day-to-day, but sometimes people really take the biscuit. Lecture theatres are a perfect example of an isolated situation in which I can relate with everyone around me when someone does something stupid. Here are just a few examples:

I was in an English Literature lecture and I started to think I could smell nail polish; knowing this was the last place I’d smell it I waved it off as one of those random smells you just can’t quite place. Then I looked down to the row in front of me and sure enough, to the right, a girl was sitting painting her nails a metallic purple for the entire hall to witness and whiff. The smell was pungent to say the least but the very fact she thought this was, not even just appropriate, but productive to her own studies was hilarious to myself and my peers around me. When she’d finished coating herself in this noxious liquid, she realised she couldn’t type or touch the screen on her relatively new laptop. So she sat and flailed while she missed the best chunk of the lecture. I personally had to hold my nose, not from the smell, just to stop myself from chuckling at her misfortune.

It’s always tense when someone leaves early during a lecture. I’ve never had to, so far, thankfully; but for the people who have to regularly really don’t make it easy for themselves. There was a girl in an English Language lecture that plonked herself down  right in the middle of a row with no easy way to leave early. Generally, I assume, people leave five minutes early to go to another lecture across campus that starts when the current one ends and so they need travel time but help yourself out, people. If you know you have to leave, sit at the end of a row near the door. This girl made the entire row stand up so she could squeeze past with her unnecessarily large bag, so unnecessary for everyone involved. I know that I, with my ounce of humility, would’ve sat through it and just embraced being late to the next lecture; rather than cause that ruckus.

The worst example of someone being absolutely stupid in a lecture so far is, sadly, a result of my own actions. I was in an English Language lecture, we were parsing a sentence (basically, splitting it into nouns, verbs, adjectives, phrases, clauses etc) and the example sentence was: “Tom’s chair broke because he sat on it” or something to that extent. The lecturer was analysing what that sentence was made up of and what it needed to make it a certain type of clause/phrase collective and he said: “So, Tom is a noun and he’s speaking about his chair which is also a noun but what does Tom need to make this a sentence?”

To that I answered (out loud I might add), in front of 150+ people: “a better chair.”

It was one of those horrid moments when you think ‘did I just say that out loud?’ I wanted to curl up into a ball and only emerge when people had long forgotten this cringe-worthy moment. There was a deafening silence for about five seconds, which felt like forever, and the lecturer replied “…yes, that’s a pragmatic approach but I was looking for a verb.” He was a decent guy and ran with it but I felt so idiotic. Shut up next time, Jonathon; keep your thoughts to yourself!

A month of the rest of my life.

I began this blog a few weeks ago, I’d played with the idea of blogging for years and after pursuing many attempts at something solid I couldn’t hold it for any longer than a year. While it was quite successful, I deleted it all. Then I thought long and hard about the title of this blog: The Next Chapter.

I have spent so much of my life worrying about the past and it’s consequences over what might happen in the future that I haven’t been able to enjoy it like I should have. Looking back, that just wasn’t right, nobody should live that way. This is why the title is relevant. I’ve moved to an entirely new country for University, I’ve left my old life and it’s baggage behind and now I’m starting over again. This is the next chapter of my life, and hopefully I go on to live many of them, each more exciting than the one before.

That’s not to say I’ve forgotten what I’ve lived through so far, while I may not be willing to remember certain things there are so many I could ponder on for days, so many amazing experiences and conversations with people from home that I am never going to forget.

It’s so weird to think I’ve been living on my own, away from home, for an entire month now. University was always an idea, a thought, never a reality; now I’m coming to terms with the fact that time is flying and I’m more independent than I ever have been.

That doesn’t mean it’s been completely perfect, oh no no, far from it. From stumbling into lecture halls 20 minutes late to spectacularly sprawling over the subway platform, it’s all already happened and I’m sure I’ll write about those unfortunate events in posts to come.

The wonderful thing about living independently is you get to learn a whole new side to yourself you may not have known. Turns out I can be quite motivated when I want to be, like right now for example; I’ve wanted to post this for a whole month and here I am blasting it out in one fell swoop. I’ve also learnt that I cannot cook, (I’ll be honest and say I always knew that…really) but from that I’ve learnt it doesn’t mean I can’t make do. I’ve known I’m a resourceful person but it’s always been from an academic perspective; I work well under pressure, deadlines and so on, but this time the focus has shifted slightly to include domestic responsibilities. The emphasis is now on what I’m spending daily or what’s for dinner rather than what I’m going to say for third period English Literature in school the next day.

I have heard countless people say that University is just as much about the experience as it is about the education and at this point in my life I think I needed that change. I have time to focus on hobbies such as this blog for example (that I hope I can continue to find time for as University life progresses). I have time to go out there and find new friends, new relationships, a new life entirely.

This is The Next Chapter, and I’ll be damned if it’s not going to be anything but spectacular.